Found the ultimate alternative!
Found a project that I can easily integrate with and easily make this happen in a good way
http://code.google.com/p/mysql-cacti-templates/
This is definitely the way to go. I need to import the repository I synched off their site into here. It's a subversion repo, so I'll have to do some fancyness with git and git-svn to make it work.
But I have a few preliminary graphs working, and it all behaves nicely.
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